meli_vegana27

So, I've decided that it is set and is an outlook or glimpse into the future: I will be single for the rest of my life at the rate that I'm going. It seems as if little by little everyone is getting knocked out of the boat, and I am still left with Andy Sandberg on the boat. I'm pretty sure everyone left on the same boat together, they probably left together on a yacht because there were so many.

Even those who are classy enough to find their man in a club, I'm almost jealous. Not because of the non-classiness of that subject, but you have someone, and it's nice to not be alone in that sense every once in awhile.

But then again, I think God gives you things when you're ready for them and I'm not ready for that with school right now, not at all.

I have not posted in here for a long time. A long time as in more than two weeks. I have nothing to post. I think that's a good sign. That things for once are at peace and are getting better, but mostly at peace.

I knew things were going to change once school started, it takes over you know? It takes over mind completely and that is all there is to worry about, which I would rather have than any other thing or person on my mind. I've just completely forgotten; at times I have to stop myself from making myself feel a certain way just because it's strange that I don't.
I can say that I am content at the way things are going, for once in my life. Not content as in, I'm utterly happy, but I'm okay and peaceful at mind, and I like that. I don't think I've felt that for a year at least.

I hope it stays this way, God willing it does.

I'm pre-menstrual i.e. emotions are stronger than usual and I seriously have to control my thoughts because they are darting at me.

I feel like throwing the towel, like I'm done. I want to run again. I want to clean, everything. I want to shake my feelings off, completely off, especially now. I wish I was a doctor already so I could buy a plane ticket to anywhere I want and just stay there for two days without any communication or civilization.

I want someone to want me, literally want me. I don't want to worry anymore, I don't want to care, I don't want to think. I want to cry.

Again, this is the pre-menstrual talking or so I hope.

I don't know who I am and I don't know if that's a problem or me thinking too much again. I learned in psychology that if you don't go through this stage in your life where you're "searching" that you won't reach that stage of completeness. I don't remember exactly what it was called but in other words you'll feel empty and lost for the rest of your life, and I don't want that, so I guess I should continue on this current stage of mind I'm in of searching. How cliche. I said that I was a "strong" woman and that I was going to be "sexy", but that was all bullshit and a front. I guess it's because if you repeat something so many times you'll end up thinking it naturally and there forth, like with studying for exams. You do note cards, rehearse them, and memorize them. But...you don't learn anything from memorizing. It'll just go out one ear for one day and out the other by the next. I guess it's the same thing with repeating words that have no meaning, I mean you keep repeating them but what was it doing for you but just putting up a front? What meaning does it have if you don't actually mean it? What do you gain from that?

I can't say I'm a strong, independent woman who doesn't take shit from anyone and that was respected all the time, because I'm not. I can't say those things to put up a front so I'll get what I think I have...if that made sense. I won't say those things until I believe it. I won't say those things until I can live up to it. I'm lying to myself in all terms. What do I gain from that?

I'm constantly listening and seeing these seniors of 09' at Mckeel talk about their last days and cannot help but feel melancholy. All the words, feelings, anger, and angst we had sound the same, which causes that nauseating feeling to come back. The nauseousness from when I stepped onto Mckeel grounds for too long a period last week.

This means that one year has passed since we were there. Almost one year ago we were walking across that stage having no idea what the hell was going to come our way in the next few months.
This means that with another class walking off that stage, more changes are going to be packed on. Not only for them, but for us, for me. I don't know if I'm ready for that.

I don't miss high school. Well, I do, but not in the sense that I wish I was back. I miss the feeling of hope and enthusiasm and wanting to get the hell out of there and something new. It's unexplainable.

I think too much. I feel like I'm like a novel with analytical twists and turns all throughout but I'm doing the analyzing, everyday, every moment.
It's just sad. Really sad.
I'm sad.

I'm hardcore.
I'm strong.
Why am I letting this bother me so much?

I don't put up with bullshit, period.
I'm going to be a doctor, I can't put up with bullshit.

I'm going to be strong and sexy and enjoy my life and not look back.

"Ransom notes keep falling out your mouth.
Mid-sweet talk, newspaper word cut-outs.
Speak no feeling, no I don't believe you.
You don't care a bit. You don't care a (You don't care a) bit.

Oh no, You don't care a bit.
Oh no, You don't care a bit.
Oh no, You don't care a bit.
You don't care a bit.
You don't care a bit."

I want something to work out for me.
The way I want it to work out.
For once, so I can say it loud and proud.

I'm going to punch someone out.
Soon.
Er.
Or later.


Or explode, either one. It's not going to be good.

I am currently going through a phase of annoyance and frustration with life. I do not know where it comes from, usually when I have too much time to ponder and too much of people.
It's like a wave of dark emotion and sadness comes over me and my smile is a visible lie and it shows in my eyes.

Dane Cook once again comes to mind, I need a good cry.

The word "running" currently out-stands every word in the dictionary.
I wish to run.
Far away.
Now.

I utterly despise you, your words, your actions. You lack in having thoughts in any shape or form possible. Why do I still put up with your incompetence and inability to comprehend me. I'm so embarrassed and ashamed at myself.

I feel entrapped within this boundary in my life that I cannot get out of. I dreamt of myself trying to rid my car out of your house but I kept falling and starting all over again and finding other ways to get out. You have just hurt me emotionally in every shape and form, and you may apologize but you don't feel it, you don't feel me. I wish I could scream my lungs out and let you know, maybe one day it will hit you where it never did before.

Write 12 statements, intended for different people.
Never tell which one is to who.
Write things you've always wanted to tell people

1. You're my top girl, you truly truly are. In all honesty, I was so afraid that you were changing when you left and for those short times that I saw you again and again but when you came down again during winter break, I knew you hadn't and that we were the same, seriously things haven't changed :) I know I've said it before...and I said it at a bad time but I wish I was there with you when you were going through that hard time in your life, not just through the phone. & I don't know if you know this and it's going to sound totally lesi but I value so much our time together, just you and me. I love when we spend time with our friends and all but sometimes I love just us two because it's real and we have our life reflection time where there's prone to be frou frou playing in the background. I don't know who I would be without you or if I would be who I am without you...a little dramatic but it's true. You're are one of two that tell me when I'm being a bitch and I don't get angry, you're one that I'll always know you know how I feel and you'll always be there to listen. Even though I miss you like no other, I'm so happy for you that you actually got the balls to leave and stay away from lakeland. And, I honestly think you're one of the prettiest girls I've ever met; inside and out and the man who's bound to have you in his life is going to be the luckiest man and will be happy EVERYDAY [especially if he's muslim or black]. & I approve of you and your husband, mainly because I'm excited about your child being called Amir.

2. You are my other top girl, seriously we have been through it all together. You have been my psychologist since eighth grade and I hope that when you do get your psychology job you still won't charge me for your services. I'm glad that you're the only one who shares my hate of The Dark Knight and extreme love for The Wedding Planner. I'm glad that we always know what each other is thinking about and spend probably about 100 hours on the phone each week. I think you're amazing because you have the ability to keep a smile on your face no matter what has happened or is happening in your life, it's contagious and beautiful. I despise that bastard who has ruined you for relationships and commitment, you truly don't deserve that and I know that you know it but you always have hope, which is another thing we both have in common.I admire your strength in this difficult time you are going through with your father, you talk about your mother, but you are a rock too. I can't wait till we're ballin' doctors with our money and still talk hours on end on the phone while our children our terrorizing our mansions that we'll have :)

3.My dear, you are my girl true bffl forever. We have been best friends since fourth grade, and we have only had one fight in our life I believe. We have gotten sick of each other but we still manage to deal with each other's shit and bitchniess. What i've always admired about our friendship is that we've sort of strayed away from each other but always kept each other updated with ourselves and honestly, we got as close as we are right now in the last two years of high school, fucking crazy I think. I know that I didn't approve of your so called friends with benefits deal but all I cared about is that you didn't get hurt, emotionally. But I discovered you're a robot but sometimes I think you hurt really bad deep down inside and i'll be there for you when you break. I wish I could bring this up more and how much it bothers me but it bothers me to the core that you lost your best friend. It bothers me that you gave up and I know it hurts you, and it hurts her too but you guys are too stubborn to set an equilibrium. You guys were were like sisters, how can one arguement separate you guys like that?

4. Mi amor, Mi hermano, I don't know if you know how much I love and care about you. Everytime I visit I wish that we could spend more time together, but we don't because you're always too busy roaming the streets. We've gone through so much shit with our family and I want you to know that I will never disown you or let you down, no matter how many lies they may say, how many lies may be true, I will always love you endlessly. We have a relationship that I don't think anyone can describe, not even I can describe, but everytime I come back it's as if I had never left and we continue going through the same shit together. I cannot WAIT until you finally get your papers done because we're going to have the time of our lives here, I hope that time doesn't cut short and it does happen, I pray so much for that.

5. You're an obnoxious, loud girl. There are times where I want to fucking choke you because you are so obnoxious and loud. Everyone is annoyed by you but you know what I got so used to you that I don't get AS annoyed as I used to. In all honesty, it bothers me sometimes when people talk badly about you because they don't know you like I do and how great of a person you are, deep down inside. Even though various times you have dismissed what I have said to you and go on talking about yourself, you have helped me a lot and you were with me in one of my most difficult experiences of my life.

6. I think you're ridiculous for holding a grudge because I know deep down you don't want to hold that grudge. She's just waiting for you to say something, that would be the adult thing to do you know? You can be extremely bitchy, and I give someone daps for putting up with it. But, nonetheless you're a sweet person at heart which is why I love you so much and even though I barely see you or talk to you, I hear about you and I still worry about you. I'll never forget that night you burst into tears after your play in the mcdonald's parking lot, it was the first time I saw you, your emotions, which I thought were impossible.

7. You were only a part of my life for literally a year, 45 minutes for five days a week, a max of three or five hours during band concerts and occasions, and excluding the summer but yet YOU and YOU'RE passing changed my life forever. I don't know if it's because you were my first encounter with it but I miss you, everyday. You were a character that was sent from heaven and God, and I wish I remembered to thank God everyday that you were a part of ALL our lives. It's amazing how one person can make such a difference, and it's the most sad thing to realize it after they're gone. I know that you're playing your piano with the utmost serenity as when we would come from lunch, and just watch you from the door window until you realized we were staring hahaha. You were just so hilarious, and the facial expressions you would make? You know what I frequently forget, how when I was angry or sad you knew and you would ask me what was wrong and would ask me ways on how you could make me feel better. How can I not miss you?

8.You know what's weird? We used to talk every night for hours, three way, talk about the most dumbest shit and it's kind of sad how everything went downhill because I refused to pick up your calls anymore. You know what pissed me off even more, when you became best friends and confided in this fucking whore? Ugh she's so annoying. But, despite all that you always came back. I miss your humor, you're just so hilarious and you are a sweet guy, you really are.

9. I wish you were my age, so we could get married. You were just so fucking foreign and cute with your hair, ugh and you PLAYED PIANO; you were my man in one. I had a crush on you for at least two months, even when you had a girlfriend and I couldn't be mad cause she's a nice girl hahaha. You're my siberian tiger and whoever gets you is a lucky girl! I'm obviously running out of people because I brought you up.

10. Most of the time you call me, I don't listen. That's sad and I feel really bad but you have a problem with rambling about a story too long, and go into too much detail that from the very moment you start I don't listen. I love you in person though!

11. I miss you my dear, very much. I've sort of given up on planning things with you because you never really seem to show any enthusiasm or effort in hanging out, so I've given up. If you didn't have something of mine I think I would only talk to you every few months. You lost your best friend also, and it's the saddest thing in the world to me because I don't think you have anyone anymore, at least not like that.

12. You, I've left you for last because I'm sure the things that I have to say to you are numerous and limitless. I miss you, very much and I miss you everyday; there hasn't been a day where I don't think about you and if you are ever going to come back to me like you did before. Sometimes I think we're just having a "When Harry Met Sally" moment,because it's basically our relationship, where things were awkward for three weeks and we didn't talk but like at the end of the movie you'll come back saying all the most sweetest cutsey shit ever and I'm going to say "You see? That is just like you,[insert name]. You say things like that, and you make it impossible for me to hate you, and I hate you, [insert name]. I really hate you. I hate you" and we'll be okay. I didn't realize it until now but I gave so much of myself into our relationship. You're a dumbass, you really are, and I erased that mindset from my mind. You used to annoy the shit out of me in high school but somehow I got past that, aren't we humans weird? I told you things and talked things with you that I have NEVER spoken to in my life with and how is it possible now that we act like we never did? It's horrible that I had to write letters about you, spilling my guts of things I wish I could say to you. It's horrible that I never knew what our relationship status, we were that facebook "It's Complicated" status. It's horrible that all I could think of when I was on vacation was how I could be with you, and the time I could be spending with you, instead of admiring the time with my family. You liked me a lot, I know you did, because you always came back, you yearned for me. It's weird because the moment I yearned for you, the moment I finally did realize I loved you as you supposedly loved me, you stray away and leave me in the dark like I had feared you would. Even though you treated me like shit, I still miss talking to you everynight until twelve or one in the morning, I miss our talks in the car, I miss how you would call me every synonym in the book for beautiful, and tell me that you loved my personality. Despite your stupid comments you made me feel the happiest girl inside. I just wish I had left you in the dark, instead of the other way around. I think you made yourself not like me anymore, in all honesty, because feelings don't disappear like that. I think you knew that you couldn't satisfy me with what I wanted and so that was the way you could do it so you wouldn't confront me. Everytime I think about the way that you looked at me, because in all honesty I thought it wasn't going to end and I don't know if deep down inside I had a problem with it. You're really stupid, like immensely stupid and immature but I miss you. The old you, not this guy who's trying to "find himself", fuck that.

I have decided that my life can be described and summed up by Meredith Grey's beginning and ending words to every episode of Grey's Anatomy.

"At the end of the day, there are some things you just can't help but talk about. Some things we just don't want to hear, and some things we say because we can't be silent any longer. Some things are more than what you say, they're what you do. Some things you say because there's no other choice. Some things you keep to yourself. And not too often, but every now and then, some things simply speak for themselves."

I'm done with people and their ignorance and stupidity and bitchiness. I feel there is no point in being a peace-maker if any of those qualities are going to be present. I see so much hostility in my friends between each other and it is truly unnecessary. Leave what was in the past in the past and move on, stop bringing it back up in such a negative way.

God willing that when I return, I will not have to be faced with it again and actually care. I think God finds the ways where I won't be confronted with any of it in the most beneficial situations, such as these when I am leaving the country with barely any communication to the states for two weeks.

Just Stop.

I am becoming the epitome of my father, someone I do not want to become in any shape or form. I acknowledge his triumphs in his career, he is an intelligent man, he is the best father I could ask for, but I know he is not happy about the mindless decisions he has made and this has drowned him in helpless thoughts. I feel like I am drowning in the most shallow waters, the simplest of things, and I cannot get out. I can seep through to the surface but fear it, just one step, I fear it. I fear ridding of the idea of a good thing and cannot acknowledge when it has made that wrong turn, when it's time to leave it alone. It is not as if I am not thankful for the life that God has given me, I thank him everyday for allowing me to breathe, love, see the beauties that are here on earth. But, it is as if I have not been able to fully engulf these things. I do not know if that is contradictory or not but I want to rid my mind of worries and take time to admire those things.

I despise how just the simplest things, the most shallow water, has engulfed my mind and body and allowed these thoughts into my brain. I question who I am as a person everyday and if I am heading in the right direction. My mother told me today "I think we are heading towards the end of the world. Everything that is happening is said in the bible, so behave your best". What? I am never good enough am I? I admire everyone as they are, I may call out their faults but I forget about them. There may be a few that I cannot stand but that is besides the point or the reason why I stay away from them. Why can't someone else do that for me? It's what I get, I am getting what I deserve.

I always say that I cannot wait until The New Year because I think that my fears, my worries will go away and they do not. Every year another thing is added, another weight, and I reach points where I am okay, I am "happy" and then I go back to hidden pessimism and fear. I fear more than anything and I know I should put myself into the hands of God because he will take care of me, but it is so difficult when you see that nothing gets better and things just keep hitting you again and again, appearing again and again. They seem to become so much bigger than what they truly are.

I'm a bitch. I'm not enough, and I never will be. I will always be in the sidelines, waiting to be picked, and only picked when there is no one left out on the field. I cease to open my mouth and speak about it because the idea of it bothers me, it visits and flies past, but one little bit always seems to linger and come out in occasions such as these.

When will I be able to juggle and control myself and life, be okay with who I am, and admire those beauties at the same time?

A boy likes me
and I'm pretty sure I like him.

He needs to change for me, just a little but that's being a bitch and I also have to make some compromises.

I'm not used to this so called sweet talk I just end up being mean back, what a surprise.
I cannot comprehend the reason why I like him and why I liked him back two years ago, it's just happening.
I don't know why this is so baffling for me right now, it's the pre-menstrual talking.

Things have been going pretty good lately, I'm loving college life & it's good. I'm not hating it [except the waking up early/school/not having my own bathroom].

I miss not seeing my friends everyday, but I cope with it.

I can't believe this day, a year ago, was the last day I saw Mr. Hawks. I remember it like it was yesterday, we made Thriller sound as better than ever and we played Drumline at the end of school. Ben put gettin' some head on his computer speakers from his ipod and Mr. Hawks blasted it even more when he came in lol. I can only remember his voice when I think of his sarcastic/not really mean funny remarks & I wish I could remember more, I wish I could remember more moments. Sometimes, they come as a flood and sometimes I must strain my brain to remember them.

I'm confused about someone and I don't know if I should express it or keep it to myself and not think about it. I always do though, I haven't even told my best friend. I'm sure she'll freak when she reads this. It's just not my place to be thinking about it and it's bad on this person's part too.

Well, here I am in dominican republic once again and it is the one place where all my thoughts gather in one and jumble into confusion. Things I haven't thought about in months and years come back to haunt me. It is like the peace is too much for my mind and it has to do something else to entertain itself. I dreamt about Mr. Hawks again, that never ceases to end and it's the same type of dream: I come in the band room and he is there and I call his name as if nothing and when I realize it's him it turns into someone else or ms. scallon gets involved; I absolutely hate it. I think about past experiences and I feel guilty for thinking about them.

I miss people and I'm going to miss these vacations. I try very hard not to think about the future and not having that freedom as I do now but it's difficult. Somehow we move on with time and begin to forget and not care as much, it's weird,it's life.

I wish I couldn't get attached to things because it's too hard for me to give them up internally, I hate those are things that are a part of life. I'm rambling.

p.s. Daisy Buchanon is a bitch.